April 13, 2007
The Jesus and Mary Chain
"Unholy Grail," By D.L. WilsonCan a book be so bad that it can still be compelling? "Unholy Grail" might be that book, as it attempts to rewrite "The Da Vinci Code" without Da Vinci, its puzzles and the breathless pace that made Dan Brown's book a success.
Father Joseph Romano and Professor Brittany Hamar are lured separately to New York's Grand Central Station with the promise of being given a manuscript written by Jesus' brother, James, where she is shot and he is framed for it. She was targeted because she had received a portion of the gospel already from a mysterious source in Vienna and is writing a book debunking Jesus; the reason for his involvement is withheld until the end.
Meanwhile, a renegade priest is killing priests around the world, marking their bodies with stigmata. There's also a combination hit man and fixer who works for the mysterious Council of Five, and there's groups and sub groups such as the Rex Deus and the Inner Circle, and it's all involved with maintaining the bloodline of Jesus and Mary Magdalene and keeping this secret a secret. None of this really matters, because Romano and Hamar are too busy traveling, arguing about Jesus and revealing personal details amid descriptions of Vienna and the south of France that would feel at home in Lonely Planet guidebooks. Because they're being pulled toward the climax, instead of uncovering the conspiracy, there's no suspense, and the revelations are very revelatory.
The book's prose is of such a consistently low quality that it could serve as a textbook in a creative writing course. If a sentence can turn toward a cliche, it will take it. Characters convey emotions mostly through facial expressions. Their eyes radiate with anger. Bemusement flash across their faces. Sometimes, their eyes bug out. I took to collecting my favorite sentences. Here are some of them:
* You're darn tootenly-ootenly! "For two thousand years, Christianity's held up pretty darn well."
* That's gotta hurt: "Here's the kicker, Charlie," Carlota sank into her chair and let out a sigh. "Professor Hamar's husband felt so much guilt over contributing to the disease that killed their son that he committed suicide." Charlie smacked his hands to his head so hard he knocked his cap off.
* I think he's going with something from the Bible here: Maybe it was the teacher in him trying to get her to see the light without shining high beams in her eyes.
* Call the concierge and complain: A uniformed task force had been sent to the Hotel Royal and, thank God, there was no dead priest in any of the rooms.
* Not even Tom Hanks could act this line: Romano was looking at her with what she could only regard as caring, or respect, or compassion, or maybe a combination of all three.
* Why you shouldn't write just before lunch: The Jesuits were accused of many things over the years, but this took the cake. Before he could respond, a waiter arrived and took their orders for two espressos, a weak coffee with cream for Britt, and an assortment of pastries.
* He looked at the top of the page. Only 24 pages to go.: Romano helped Britt climb into a large galvanized duct and followed her with the small light. "Crawl like you've never crawled before," he said.
* Only 20 pages left: "... stay with me under water and stroke and kick like you've never done before."
Now, some say a reviewer shouldn't write bad things about a book, that a paperback should get more of a break than a hardcover, that a debut author should be cut some slack. But once they're on the shelves, all books are equal; they should be treated as such. Besides, I suffered for my art. Now it's your turn.
Score: 29
Genre: 4 As a religious puzzle thriller, there's no surprises and few puzzles to solve.
Realism: 4
Character: 4 Apart from the two protagonists and the assassin, everyone else are indifferently composed.
Setting: 5 Guidebook-style descriptions cannot substitute for writing that evokes a sense of place.
Theme: 7
Style: 2
Bonus: 3 It takes talent to compose this much tone-deaf prose.
What do these numbers mean?
Other links to "Unholy Grail"
- Author's website: D.L. Wilson
- Review from Cup O' Books: "A solid and fast paced plot that will appeal to fans of The Da Vinci Code, but will probably fall short of drawing a wider audience because the characters come across flat and the dialogue can be painful at times."
- Review from Spike's Books: "by no means an awful book, but there’s nothing that stands out about it either–despite the raves it’s elicited from a number of high-power blurbers."
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