March 12, 2007
Scalzi on Writing, Digested
Youre Not Fooling Anyone When You Take Your Laptop To A Coffee Shop: Scalzi on Writing. By John Scalzi.John Scalzi recently compiled his thoughts on writing and published it in a limited edition that has already gone out of print. He mentions on his web site that his agent is shopping it around, but in the meantime, here the digested version of it, boiled down to a neat 500 words. (Plagiarism alert! This post's style was nicked from John Crace's very funny "The Digested Read" column in the Guardian.)
Since I've been a writer for 15 years and have a dozen books published, a house on four acres in rural Ohio, a hot wife and a cute kid and tons of smart, funny and influential people reading my website, it's time to publish a book on writing. But instead of actually sitting down, thinking about it and writing it, I'll throw together a bunch of posts instead. I'll even include the date I wrote them, so when you see a title like "Ten Things I've Learned About Writing In Ten Years Of Doing It," look at the "September 10, 2001" date, and add six years to it.
And I'll throw in an introduction to warn that you're not going to learn much about how to write — only how I do it. And we'll sell it for $35 in a signed edition. Since the edition will sell out, that'll prove I was right to do it this way.
To be a writer, be just like me. I'm goddamn brilliant. I work hard, have lots of contacts in the industry, and I never, ever rewrite. I work it all out in my head, with the help of hour-long showers. You need to work hard and be confident in yourself. I've been told I have my head up my ass. They're probably right, but I'm a published author. I make over $100,000 a year and have for several years. Do you? No? So shut up.
Still need help? Do this:
A. Get "Writer's Market"
B. Write an article.
C. Submit it.
D. When you're rejected, submit it again.
E. Write another article. Rinse, lather, repeat.
You know, I'd like to teach at a workshop, but if you talk about how hard writing is, I'll sympathize but not really empathize.
Oh and learn how to goddamn punctuate. Is it so hard to place a comma properly? But don't be anal about it.
Here's more words of wisdom. The money for most advances suck, no matter what Jeremy Lassen thinks. He says if you get too much and your book doesn't sell, your career is dead. What does he know? He's only a small-press publisher. My advance for "Old Man's War" was small, but Tor was right to give it to me. If I didn't sell enough copies, my career would have died. Also, don't worry about piracy; thieves will be thieves but poor readers might buy your books later. When you're reassigned at your newspaper job, find another one.
Are we done yet? Let's stick in some stuff about science fiction. Lou Anders liked "Old Man's War." Write science fiction for people who don't read science fiction. PublishAmerica sucks. Most SF writers are lefties or libertarians but it doesn't matter because their politics never show up in their books. Here's some science-fiction writers I like: Cory Doctorow, China Mieville, Charles Stross. Read them. Why? Just do, because I'm always right. Did I mention I'm a published writer and I make more than most college professors? And who the hell cares what's wrong with American SF? I don't, but I'll gas on about it for four more pages.
Oh, one last piece of advice: Don't be an ass.
Gee, Stephen King joked about publishing his laundry list and having people buy it, but I did it.
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